Day #6 of my pre-surgery liquid diet.
I don't feel as hungry or weak as I thought I'd be. And surprisingly I still have regular bowel movement, something I thought I wouldn't have when on a liquid diet. Boredom is mostly the main issue here, so I just need to find things to keep myself motivated. The weekend was hard because my SO was home so I couldn't enter my fantasy world to distract myself from real life.
I have an issue with fantasy, have been since I was very young. I don't know how it started. I'm sure people say kids play with their imagination all the time but in my case, at some point it crossed the line and my fantasy became too much. I prefer what's inside my head to real life that I don't do shit in real life.
It doesn't help that I often fantasize about grand things happening to me.
My fantasy could give me such a high that can sustain my motivation for several days or even a few weeks, but when it wears off, I would hit such a low that I'd feel depressed at the realization that it was only a fantasy, until the next fantasy comes along. It comes in waves. I no longer lash out at my SO and make the situation worse whenever the lows hit. I now know to bite my tongue, pretend things are okay, and just ride it out until the withdrawal effects are gone.
It is a coping mechanism but these lately I wonder if my fantasies are causing me more harm than good. I feel like I'm not living my life, a life which is pretty damn good when you think about it, but doesn't hold a candle to the life I have in my head.
And when my fantasy wears off and I am forced to face reality, I feel like such a loser because nothing can compare to the version of myself, of my life that I have in my head.
I also can't reconcile the fact that I have been with someone for 11 years, someone who seems to be content with lil' ol' me, someone who loves me, who will never cheat on me, and who will definitely won't hurt me unless she's provoked, and here I am fantasizing about a life with another man, a life where she doesn't exist or conveniently set aside. I feel so rotten inside, like I am an ingrate. What the fuck is wrong with me.
Yet, I can't stop. The high I get from my fantasies is just too delicious.
What also scares me is, I used to fantasize about Jens Lehmann back in 2007. I remember pacing in my living room at night, acting out a fantasy of having a relationship with him and now in 2018, that fantasy still does it for me. It scares me because, back then, I was a youngster living under the same roof as my abusive family with no income. I had every reason to fantasize a 'better' life. But now, I am in my 30s, I have money, I live a good life, and still, I need to fantasize in order to feel alive. I'm pretty sure I'd thought that when I'm older I wouldn't have the need to fantasize anymore. But 11 years later and here we are. It scares me to think that a 42 year-old me would still pace in the living room in the middle of the night, fantasizing about having a child with Jens Lehmann.
And it makes me feel depressed to think that some of my role models probably, most likely don't do this. Amal Clooney probably doesn't do this. Gigi Buffon probably doesn't do this. They're too busy living their actual life to ever find the need to fantasize.
Like right now, I'm crushing hard on Paulo Dybala. My God, what a handsome bloke. And what's scary is, when I'm crushing on someone, I actually believe I could get them. It's scary and It's made me do some rash actions in the past. It doesn't help that we've got HD now, which makes it look like they're really in front of you.
Back in 2012, I suddenly had a crush on Jeremy Renner, so bad, that it led me to this deep feeling of dissatisfaction about my life. It led me to this horrible fight with my SO and I actually thought I could move to the US and be his girlfriend. How that was gonna happen, I have no idea, but back then, I believed that that was totally doable but in reality, it is an absolute, absolute long shot.
The Jeremy Renner crush stands out because it was one of the fantasies that actually disrupted my life and could have grave implications. That crush caused me to hook up with two random strangers because I was so dissatisfied that I'd never been with a man or touched a penis before. I wanted to blow one, so bad. In my mind, I wanted to be single and casually dating. But when I was actually hooking up with those men, I remember feeling awful. I remember feeling incredibly nervous because they were my first encounters, I was not equipped with proper birth control, and to be honest, the sex didn't feel that great. I just wanted it to be over soon. But I did get to blow them and in that moment I felt awesome, like, yeah, I have a dick in my mouth, I'm finally an adult!
Now, I'm just crushing so hard on Dybala, even though I'm sensing it is about to wear off. But man, I wish I could be the girlfriend of someone that handsome, that hot, that talented, that successful. To be the beautiful woman he desires, to bear his kids. I don't even believe in having kids but man, sometimes, just sometimes, my damaged life is just too much of a cross to bear. Sometimes, I wish I could just switch off that part of me that is damaged, and go out there and find a man like Dybala, and have a family, go down that traditional route and trust that everything will be okay.
Sometimes, I'm tired of being a member of the LGBT family. Why do I subject myself to this heartache? I don't need anymore suffering in my life. But Dybala seems like a religious person, and he probably views homosexuality as a sin, so in reality, that would create conflict and there is no way my fantasy could happen, because in my fantasy, I was never in a queer relationship. So either way, I'm fucked. I hate this. If only there's a way of maintaining the relationship with my current girlfriend while also having a relationship with someone like Dybala, all while he's perfectly okay with my past.
God, I just want to know what it's like to be with a man, a good man, but also handsome and successful, like Dybala. Just once, I want people to envy my relationship. I am a fucking shit. A fucking ingrate. Shit. Shit.
It's almost ironic how writing all this, definitely there is no way I will ever be with Dybala.
I don't feel as hungry or weak as I thought I'd be. And surprisingly I still have regular bowel movement, something I thought I wouldn't have when on a liquid diet. Boredom is mostly the main issue here, so I just need to find things to keep myself motivated. The weekend was hard because my SO was home so I couldn't enter my fantasy world to distract myself from real life.
I have an issue with fantasy, have been since I was very young. I don't know how it started. I'm sure people say kids play with their imagination all the time but in my case, at some point it crossed the line and my fantasy became too much. I prefer what's inside my head to real life that I don't do shit in real life.
It doesn't help that I often fantasize about grand things happening to me.
My fantasy could give me such a high that can sustain my motivation for several days or even a few weeks, but when it wears off, I would hit such a low that I'd feel depressed at the realization that it was only a fantasy, until the next fantasy comes along. It comes in waves. I no longer lash out at my SO and make the situation worse whenever the lows hit. I now know to bite my tongue, pretend things are okay, and just ride it out until the withdrawal effects are gone.
It is a coping mechanism but these lately I wonder if my fantasies are causing me more harm than good. I feel like I'm not living my life, a life which is pretty damn good when you think about it, but doesn't hold a candle to the life I have in my head.
And when my fantasy wears off and I am forced to face reality, I feel like such a loser because nothing can compare to the version of myself, of my life that I have in my head.
I also can't reconcile the fact that I have been with someone for 11 years, someone who seems to be content with lil' ol' me, someone who loves me, who will never cheat on me, and who will definitely won't hurt me unless she's provoked, and here I am fantasizing about a life with another man, a life where she doesn't exist or conveniently set aside. I feel so rotten inside, like I am an ingrate. What the fuck is wrong with me.
Yet, I can't stop. The high I get from my fantasies is just too delicious.
What also scares me is, I used to fantasize about Jens Lehmann back in 2007. I remember pacing in my living room at night, acting out a fantasy of having a relationship with him and now in 2018, that fantasy still does it for me. It scares me because, back then, I was a youngster living under the same roof as my abusive family with no income. I had every reason to fantasize a 'better' life. But now, I am in my 30s, I have money, I live a good life, and still, I need to fantasize in order to feel alive. I'm pretty sure I'd thought that when I'm older I wouldn't have the need to fantasize anymore. But 11 years later and here we are. It scares me to think that a 42 year-old me would still pace in the living room in the middle of the night, fantasizing about having a child with Jens Lehmann.
And it makes me feel depressed to think that some of my role models probably, most likely don't do this. Amal Clooney probably doesn't do this. Gigi Buffon probably doesn't do this. They're too busy living their actual life to ever find the need to fantasize.
Like right now, I'm crushing hard on Paulo Dybala. My God, what a handsome bloke. And what's scary is, when I'm crushing on someone, I actually believe I could get them. It's scary and It's made me do some rash actions in the past. It doesn't help that we've got HD now, which makes it look like they're really in front of you.
Back in 2012, I suddenly had a crush on Jeremy Renner, so bad, that it led me to this deep feeling of dissatisfaction about my life. It led me to this horrible fight with my SO and I actually thought I could move to the US and be his girlfriend. How that was gonna happen, I have no idea, but back then, I believed that that was totally doable but in reality, it is an absolute, absolute long shot.
The Jeremy Renner crush stands out because it was one of the fantasies that actually disrupted my life and could have grave implications. That crush caused me to hook up with two random strangers because I was so dissatisfied that I'd never been with a man or touched a penis before. I wanted to blow one, so bad. In my mind, I wanted to be single and casually dating. But when I was actually hooking up with those men, I remember feeling awful. I remember feeling incredibly nervous because they were my first encounters, I was not equipped with proper birth control, and to be honest, the sex didn't feel that great. I just wanted it to be over soon. But I did get to blow them and in that moment I felt awesome, like, yeah, I have a dick in my mouth, I'm finally an adult!
Now, I'm just crushing so hard on Dybala, even though I'm sensing it is about to wear off. But man, I wish I could be the girlfriend of someone that handsome, that hot, that talented, that successful. To be the beautiful woman he desires, to bear his kids. I don't even believe in having kids but man, sometimes, just sometimes, my damaged life is just too much of a cross to bear. Sometimes, I wish I could just switch off that part of me that is damaged, and go out there and find a man like Dybala, and have a family, go down that traditional route and trust that everything will be okay.
Sometimes, I'm tired of being a member of the LGBT family. Why do I subject myself to this heartache? I don't need anymore suffering in my life. But Dybala seems like a religious person, and he probably views homosexuality as a sin, so in reality, that would create conflict and there is no way my fantasy could happen, because in my fantasy, I was never in a queer relationship. So either way, I'm fucked. I hate this. If only there's a way of maintaining the relationship with my current girlfriend while also having a relationship with someone like Dybala, all while he's perfectly okay with my past.
God, I just want to know what it's like to be with a man, a good man, but also handsome and successful, like Dybala. Just once, I want people to envy my relationship. I am a fucking shit. A fucking ingrate. Shit. Shit.
It's almost ironic how writing all this, definitely there is no way I will ever be with Dybala.
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