So, after a rough Day #6...
Yay, today it's the 7th day!!! I'm almost halfway through!!!
On another note, so today the most randomest thing happened. I had a regular doc appointment and ran into a group of relatives - who live in a different country - at the hospital!! Specifically, it was my uncle's family.
Now, for those of you who don't know, family has always been a touchy subject for me. My own parents are narcissistic and sometimes, family gatherings could feel so needlessly competitive that sometimes it's easier to opt out.
I always thought I was doing well with this whole family thing before I realized I had internalized some of the competitiveness that my parents have toward their siblings and other relatives. I have since made conscious efforts to break free from that, and also to work on some other issues in my life, and I must say today's serendipity proves that I'm right on track.
So, a little background, this uncle is my dad's older brother. I don't know much about their relationship but from observation, my dad seems to like his older brother. We often visited him when I was younger and being deprived of love by my parents, I like my uncle. He used to praise me for being smart. He used to genuinely look so proud whenever I was being smart according to him.
I must say he is more mature and well-rounded than my dad. He is not allergic to doing house chores, I don't think he thinks everyone exists to serve him, he is religious (now, this is not an indication whether someone is good or bad, but it seems to work for him), and he at least tries to get along with people.
I didn't know it (even though I probably suspected it), but my parents have this some kind of rivalry with him about whose life is better. At some point my uncle probably participated in it but I feel like he has somewhat moved on from that.
So when his grandkid got a job in the same country as mine (one that is considered infinitely better than my home country), my parents felt this intense bitterness. My uncle would proudly boast this accomplishment. And while some are in poor taste, like sharing how much salary his grandkid earns, for example, for the most part it is just him being a proud grandfather. But my parents see it as some kind of attack on the status quo. For a long time it was only them who got a kid who worked overseas, and now it is no longer the case.
It doesn't help that my parents dislike my cousin (the kid's mom), whom they think of as a spoiled princess. My parents are so lost in terms of who they are that they buy into this belief that if they follow society's rules to a T that they would be rewarded with glory, and that anyone who is not a good person (in their minds: being pretty = spoiled princess = stupid = not capable of accomplishing stuff = not a good person) will never succeed.
So when this cousin of mine, who got pregnant out of wedlock when she was still quite young, managed to 'produce' someone who is successful, it insults my parents' belief to the core of how the world works, and at times they even openly tried to undermine her accomplishments, it was ugly.
I sadly internalized this belief earlier but thankfully, had the common sense to work out my feelings and break free from it. At first, I thought this cousin once-removed really was gunning for my place as THE most successful bitch in the family. But then I reflected on my animosity and realized it was for the most part, my problem.
I was holding on to the past, where my success came from my getting a job overseas, but that was 10 years ago. Now, it is downright sad to cling to that past glory as an excuse not to grow. If I am not successful now, it is because I am so stuck in my past glory that I don't do anything to further my success right now, and that's on me.
So, back to the serendipity today. I was so proud of myself. Not because I was showing them up, but because I was pleased with how the interaction went because I had been working on myself and it got me to a place where I could handle an unexpected situation with grace.
For once, I was pleased that I didn't look sloppy. Now, you may think how shallow this is, or what that's got to do with anything. Well, let me tell you, being raised by narcissistic parents who always strive to present the very best version of themselves in front of other people except the ones who truly matter - themselves and the immediate family members - this means I got the sloppy, rude, impolite version of my parents while everyone else got the respectful, polite, well-groomed version. I can't tell you how demoralizing that feels, and I have made it my mission not to repeat that with my own family now. And that means taking care of myself even when there is no one to impress.
It may sound silly but you'd be surprised at how many children of narcissists don't even understand the concept of basic self-care. I could go for days without showering if I don't have to meet anyone and that shows just how disrespectful you are to yourself. Now, thankfully, after many, many efforts, I have begun to internalize self-respect. I have begun to associate taking care of myself even when there's no one around not as a wasteful activity but as a form of utmost self-respect. Children of narcissists often have low self-esteem, and only when you work on your self-esteem do you start to see yourself as someone who's worthy of love, respect, and appreciation, and you start to take care of yourself properly.
So, I was happy that I looked presentable even though I didn't expect to impress anyone today. I make an effort to look presentable because I like how it makes me feel, and that's winning #1. I planned to wash my hair today but didn't have the time to, because I still had some of the laziness and self-disrespect in me, but when I noticed how greasy my hair was, it didn't throw me for a loop, instead, it made me more excited to nail my look next time, and made me more excited to stick to my routine and schedule, and that's winning #2.
I was also genuinely happy to run into them, with only a split second of worrying about my look sneaking in. And I didn't feel attacked or slighted when they made some absent-minded comments or remarks, or the fact that they didn't seem that comfortable running into me and wanted the interaction to end soon. I realized that, like me, they also never expected to run into me, and people who seemed cold and shifty during the interaction, I realized they were the ones with the most anxiety that has got nothing to do with me, and I felt nothing but compassion and understanding toward them, and that's winning #3!
Overall, I am happy. I am nowhere near my goal in terms of look but the fact that I was pleased with my progress and am not beating myself up for failing to achieve 'perfection' are concrete proof that what I'm doing is working. I remember for a split-second thinking 'shit, why do we have to run into each other now and not later when I have lost all the weight' but then it was quickly overshadowed by how genuinely happy I was to have run into them. I have been meaning to see them and show them that I am not my parents and that I am happy for their success, just as much as they were happy for me when I was younger.
I am so, so very proud of myself. Out of all my accomplishments, the ability to break free from the demon that is my narcissistic upbringing is what I'm most proud of.
Today is a good day.
Yay, today it's the 7th day!!! I'm almost halfway through!!!
On another note, so today the most randomest thing happened. I had a regular doc appointment and ran into a group of relatives - who live in a different country - at the hospital!! Specifically, it was my uncle's family.
Now, for those of you who don't know, family has always been a touchy subject for me. My own parents are narcissistic and sometimes, family gatherings could feel so needlessly competitive that sometimes it's easier to opt out.
I always thought I was doing well with this whole family thing before I realized I had internalized some of the competitiveness that my parents have toward their siblings and other relatives. I have since made conscious efforts to break free from that, and also to work on some other issues in my life, and I must say today's serendipity proves that I'm right on track.
So, a little background, this uncle is my dad's older brother. I don't know much about their relationship but from observation, my dad seems to like his older brother. We often visited him when I was younger and being deprived of love by my parents, I like my uncle. He used to praise me for being smart. He used to genuinely look so proud whenever I was being smart according to him.
I must say he is more mature and well-rounded than my dad. He is not allergic to doing house chores, I don't think he thinks everyone exists to serve him, he is religious (now, this is not an indication whether someone is good or bad, but it seems to work for him), and he at least tries to get along with people.
I didn't know it (even though I probably suspected it), but my parents have this some kind of rivalry with him about whose life is better. At some point my uncle probably participated in it but I feel like he has somewhat moved on from that.
So when his grandkid got a job in the same country as mine (one that is considered infinitely better than my home country), my parents felt this intense bitterness. My uncle would proudly boast this accomplishment. And while some are in poor taste, like sharing how much salary his grandkid earns, for example, for the most part it is just him being a proud grandfather. But my parents see it as some kind of attack on the status quo. For a long time it was only them who got a kid who worked overseas, and now it is no longer the case.
It doesn't help that my parents dislike my cousin (the kid's mom), whom they think of as a spoiled princess. My parents are so lost in terms of who they are that they buy into this belief that if they follow society's rules to a T that they would be rewarded with glory, and that anyone who is not a good person (in their minds: being pretty = spoiled princess = stupid = not capable of accomplishing stuff = not a good person) will never succeed.
So when this cousin of mine, who got pregnant out of wedlock when she was still quite young, managed to 'produce' someone who is successful, it insults my parents' belief to the core of how the world works, and at times they even openly tried to undermine her accomplishments, it was ugly.
I sadly internalized this belief earlier but thankfully, had the common sense to work out my feelings and break free from it. At first, I thought this cousin once-removed really was gunning for my place as THE most successful bitch in the family. But then I reflected on my animosity and realized it was for the most part, my problem.
I was holding on to the past, where my success came from my getting a job overseas, but that was 10 years ago. Now, it is downright sad to cling to that past glory as an excuse not to grow. If I am not successful now, it is because I am so stuck in my past glory that I don't do anything to further my success right now, and that's on me.
So, back to the serendipity today. I was so proud of myself. Not because I was showing them up, but because I was pleased with how the interaction went because I had been working on myself and it got me to a place where I could handle an unexpected situation with grace.
For once, I was pleased that I didn't look sloppy. Now, you may think how shallow this is, or what that's got to do with anything. Well, let me tell you, being raised by narcissistic parents who always strive to present the very best version of themselves in front of other people except the ones who truly matter - themselves and the immediate family members - this means I got the sloppy, rude, impolite version of my parents while everyone else got the respectful, polite, well-groomed version. I can't tell you how demoralizing that feels, and I have made it my mission not to repeat that with my own family now. And that means taking care of myself even when there is no one to impress.
It may sound silly but you'd be surprised at how many children of narcissists don't even understand the concept of basic self-care. I could go for days without showering if I don't have to meet anyone and that shows just how disrespectful you are to yourself. Now, thankfully, after many, many efforts, I have begun to internalize self-respect. I have begun to associate taking care of myself even when there's no one around not as a wasteful activity but as a form of utmost self-respect. Children of narcissists often have low self-esteem, and only when you work on your self-esteem do you start to see yourself as someone who's worthy of love, respect, and appreciation, and you start to take care of yourself properly.
So, I was happy that I looked presentable even though I didn't expect to impress anyone today. I make an effort to look presentable because I like how it makes me feel, and that's winning #1. I planned to wash my hair today but didn't have the time to, because I still had some of the laziness and self-disrespect in me, but when I noticed how greasy my hair was, it didn't throw me for a loop, instead, it made me more excited to nail my look next time, and made me more excited to stick to my routine and schedule, and that's winning #2.
I was also genuinely happy to run into them, with only a split second of worrying about my look sneaking in. And I didn't feel attacked or slighted when they made some absent-minded comments or remarks, or the fact that they didn't seem that comfortable running into me and wanted the interaction to end soon. I realized that, like me, they also never expected to run into me, and people who seemed cold and shifty during the interaction, I realized they were the ones with the most anxiety that has got nothing to do with me, and I felt nothing but compassion and understanding toward them, and that's winning #3!
Overall, I am happy. I am nowhere near my goal in terms of look but the fact that I was pleased with my progress and am not beating myself up for failing to achieve 'perfection' are concrete proof that what I'm doing is working. I remember for a split-second thinking 'shit, why do we have to run into each other now and not later when I have lost all the weight' but then it was quickly overshadowed by how genuinely happy I was to have run into them. I have been meaning to see them and show them that I am not my parents and that I am happy for their success, just as much as they were happy for me when I was younger.
I am so, so very proud of myself. Out of all my accomplishments, the ability to break free from the demon that is my narcissistic upbringing is what I'm most proud of.
Today is a good day.
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