I have been with my girlfriend for 11 years and counting. She is my first ever girlfriend and I was the one who propositioned her.
Previously, I had only ever been attracted to men. I never really thought about my sexuality before I met her. I guess I sort of took it for granted that I was straight. However, I also always thought I would date women just for the experience so it's not like I was straight straight. So, I guess you could say I'm just very open to possibilities.
Our relationship has been great. We are not exempt from the usual couple problems and sometimes things could get real hard but I can say with certainty that she is my soulmate, the one person I could talk to for hours on end or just pass the time together without saying a word and there would be no awkwardness.
The thing is, after so many years together, I'm not sure if I'm still in love with her. I still love her, no doubt, but I miss that passion that you feel in the beginning of a relationship, when all you want to do is fuck and you get those butterflies in your stomach whenever you see him / her. It makes me feel like such an asshole to be thinking this way, especially since she doesn't seem to have the same issue.
Lesbian bed death aside, there's also something else to the story. I am not a lesbian through and through and the fact that I've never been with a man still bugs me to this day, because if I have to describe myself, it would be 20% lesbian, 80% straight. I rarely find women hot. If I did, it would be because they possess a personality that I respond to, not because of their physical beauty. When I masturbate I think of men, and it bothers me that I may never know how it feels to have sex with men.
And then, there's also the fact that my girlfriend still has issues with being out and oftentimes I feel like I have to deny myself certain things because we can't live out in the open. At first, this sacrifice seems to be worth it but these lately, I'm not so sure anymore. Living as a queer person is hard and sometimes I just want to give up and be in a heterosexual relationship. I have that option because I'm not a lesbian and liking dicks won't be an issue to me. I truly hate having to live a double life, that's not me, but I'm willing to do that in order to save this relationship. But it's hard. It's really hard. I don't know how long I could keep this up. I don't know if this feeling will ever pass.
There are times when I really, really want to know how it feels to be in a relationship with a man, to delight in his confidence when he's driving, to delight in his strong grip when he takes my hand, to squeal with pleasure when he envelops my body in his embrace, to invite envious albeit sympathetic stares when we make out in public, to be paraded around his friends and family with pride, to be proposed to, to marry, to have a family, and to have strangers wanting to help you, not shunning you and make every single thing difficult because you are in a same sex relationship.
It's unbearable.
Previously, I had only ever been attracted to men. I never really thought about my sexuality before I met her. I guess I sort of took it for granted that I was straight. However, I also always thought I would date women just for the experience so it's not like I was straight straight. So, I guess you could say I'm just very open to possibilities.
Our relationship has been great. We are not exempt from the usual couple problems and sometimes things could get real hard but I can say with certainty that she is my soulmate, the one person I could talk to for hours on end or just pass the time together without saying a word and there would be no awkwardness.
The thing is, after so many years together, I'm not sure if I'm still in love with her. I still love her, no doubt, but I miss that passion that you feel in the beginning of a relationship, when all you want to do is fuck and you get those butterflies in your stomach whenever you see him / her. It makes me feel like such an asshole to be thinking this way, especially since she doesn't seem to have the same issue.
Lesbian bed death aside, there's also something else to the story. I am not a lesbian through and through and the fact that I've never been with a man still bugs me to this day, because if I have to describe myself, it would be 20% lesbian, 80% straight. I rarely find women hot. If I did, it would be because they possess a personality that I respond to, not because of their physical beauty. When I masturbate I think of men, and it bothers me that I may never know how it feels to have sex with men.
And then, there's also the fact that my girlfriend still has issues with being out and oftentimes I feel like I have to deny myself certain things because we can't live out in the open. At first, this sacrifice seems to be worth it but these lately, I'm not so sure anymore. Living as a queer person is hard and sometimes I just want to give up and be in a heterosexual relationship. I have that option because I'm not a lesbian and liking dicks won't be an issue to me. I truly hate having to live a double life, that's not me, but I'm willing to do that in order to save this relationship. But it's hard. It's really hard. I don't know how long I could keep this up. I don't know if this feeling will ever pass.
There are times when I really, really want to know how it feels to be in a relationship with a man, to delight in his confidence when he's driving, to delight in his strong grip when he takes my hand, to squeal with pleasure when he envelops my body in his embrace, to invite envious albeit sympathetic stares when we make out in public, to be paraded around his friends and family with pride, to be proposed to, to marry, to have a family, and to have strangers wanting to help you, not shunning you and make every single thing difficult because you are in a same sex relationship.
It's unbearable.
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