My 10 Years Anniversary of Being on My Own

2018 is a special year.

This year marks 10 years since I left home to strike out on my own. This is very cliched but really, it feels like it was just yesterday that I moved out of my home country in search of better opportunity - and incidentally gained a healthy distance from my toxic family and kick-started the emotional healing I didn't know I needed.

I don't feel that different. I don't think I look that different (though I do!). And it certainly doesn't feel that much time has passed. But when I really think about it, a lot has actually happened in the span of those 10 years.

For instance, I lost all 3 remaining grandparents in the past 10 years. I lost 2 uncles.

My siblings were in junior high and college when I left, now they both work.

A cousin just came in to work in the same country - she's 20 years old so that means she was only 10 when I left.

I've traveled to several places including Europe and Japan with my own money - a big deal for an awkward girl from a small industrial town in a third world country.

I am also now a permanent resident in the country where I work.

And I have mended fences with my family to the point that I sometimes forget that things were utterly awful when we were all under the same roof.

My face used to be super oily. It still is now at the end of a long day but I used to hate how oily my skin got when I woke up, now it is dry (!!).

Eating out at restaurants used to be fancy for me, now they're common occurrences.

Cosmetics from Chanel, Dior, etc. used to be so luxurious to me. I've tried them all and then some, and they no longer faze me. Now I look at ingredients, not brands (well, sometimes I do look at brands but with less intensity than I did when I was younger).

I've purchased several branded bags. And I've since sold / given some of them away. Goes on to show how material possession is mostly fleeting.

I used to think I'd have been skinny by the time I hit 30, and that I'd spend my 30th birthday on a Greek island somewhere, sipping cocktail on the balcony of a villa while wearing a bikini. I didn't. Instead, I was walking in front of my miserably dreary office building when I turned 30, having stayed late for a deadline. That was rough but also, it made me more determined to do something about my life.

Birthdays have started to become less important for me. I used to look forward to my birthday every year, look forward to treat myself to some expensive stuff. I don't anymore but that's because this year especially, I've got bigger fish to fry. Maybe I'll come back to loving birthdays again but this year, my mind is occupied by other things.

I will be turning 32 in a couple of weeks. I remember when I turned 22, 10 years ago. I celebrated it alone (not that I hated it. Back then, I loved being by myself). I treated myself to a charm bracelet and an olive face cream from L'Occitane.

I don't remember if I ever thought about how I'd see myself in 10 years but all in all, I love where I am. The past 10 years can't be categorized as easy breezy but I can say with honesty that whenever I look back, I feel proud of what I've achieved, and I'm not even talking about material achievements. Yes, I've got more money now but what I'm most proud of is how much more mature I am emotionally compared to how I was 10 years ago.

My parents are emotionally stunted and for a long time it's my biggest fear, that I'd somehow end up like them, unable to grow up emotionally because life gets too hard. Now, I can say with certainty that I have become more mature emotionally than they were when they were in their 30s and even than they are now, and that is a reason to celebrate.

I often compare myself to a fine wine. I am not fully matured yet, I am still hidden away in a cellar somewhere, fermenting. But rest assured, I am turning into one with each passing day.

So, how do I see myself 10 years from now? Well, I honestly don't like to think about the future that much, simply because it takes away from the present and I've learned that it could get dangerous if left unchecked. I just hope I can keep up the good work and be gentler with myself, any other things would be a bonus.

Fino alla fine!